that's me, whoever i am.

is zach is trying to push me away, it's working.

so, he wants me to go to his graduation and i'm like "okay." so, today, he's supposed to call me and tell me when it is so i can somehow get a ride there for NO REASON. he went out with his "friends" (cause he has those) and couldn't call me. he had his sista relayu the message. wow. cool. maggie said "if he can't grace you with a fucking call you shouldn't grace him with your presence." haha maggie.

idk. i don't see the point right now. i don't want to be bitter about anything, i just am lost. i hate missing people.

 dunno why i bother tryin' to sleep sometimes. it's not restful, peaceful, sometimes even obtainable. i dunno, i just need school to end. last day tomorrow. :] mall wif maggie after :]

dunno. just kinda feel out of place. opefully summer will help.

just talked to zach. finally understand more. i will always love him. 

i'm really glad we're gunna be friends. when we talked on the phone it felt like last summer. which i love. :] i'm just glad we're still gunna be friends, fa sho'. he will always be one of my good friends. 

fucking kris.
creepy ass muthafuka tellin' me he likes me a lot. 
when he has a girlfriend.
4 days after zach and i broke up.
telling me he'd like to see it go somewhere.
FUK DAtt SHyyT MAYN3! DAzz SUM BULL.
(pahah ghettoness)

welp. i'm a little more sane. :] see wuda good talk'll do?

i feel like my emotions are repetitive. (sp?) i miss zach but i don't want to miss him. I miss how we used to be; talking, joking around, just having fun and enjoying each others company. i miss it being okay to love him, i miss us sharing our love. i miss being us. I hate missing him because it's harder to move on that way. It's hard to move on when i don't want to. i can't believe it came to this.

wow, fuck kris. anyways....

school = joke.
not on honor roll again. damn math with my 71. yay? NO. hah. wow. i'm tired.




broken record
my mind is a broken redord.
my heart is a broken record.
my life is a broken record.

haha big deal. just another day. finals started; english and photo today. so easy.

june 11 - the day zach ended our relationship. there were tears, confusion, and loss. but, i understand where he's coming from. i can tell by the way he told me that he's not at a place in his life to have a relationship, even though i said i wasn'ted to keep going with it. that didn't matter, you can't change a person's decision. so, he ended it, we cried, we laughed, i miss him. we're still going to be friends, which i'm glad about. we're gunna have to wait a little to start talking again but, we'll be friends. he told me "if we were ment to be together, which i truly think we are, then we will be. just not right now." i'm not going to put too much thought into that.  i will always love him, he is too much of an incredible person that has done so much for me to not love him. 

randomness:
- i'm glad it's the weekend.
- i'm glad there's only 3 days left of school.
- i'm glad i'm losing weight.
- i'm glad i DON'T have to work on english anymore.
- i can't wait to chill wif mag-a-lie tmrw.
- i can't wait until uncle jim comes back from cali wif cool shyyt. 

:]

i'm going to visit zach at work today. i'm really fucking nervous. i'm just going to listen to how he feels. i love him. i'm scared to lose him. </3

happy 10 months.

fuck.

i thought this was going to be easier. zach needs to think about what he wants for himself and no one else. it's his life. he wants to take a break for the week to think things over, that's what we're doing.
this most likely will sound stupid but i love him. and i know i wasn't being realistic thinking it wouldn't be more simple. but, that's me, always hopin' for the best. i hope he figures out what will make him happy, that is what will make me happy.

i gues i'll find out at the end of the week.

so, yay finals? school is not helping life right now. i still have to do my english draft which is due tomorrow, do 3 prints for photo, study bio/spanish/multi, and practice math. photo and english are gunna make me freak.

there is 7 min left of school. i feel drained and still at loss. 
i don't want to give up on life.
i'm worried about my relationship with zach.

i feel stupid and immiture.
 

 too  much seems to be lost at once. people lost, ourselves lost, relationships lost. i hate when things diminish. i think i was too naive with zach. i knew that he would go onto bigger and better things, plus, nothing lasts forever. i guess i just didn't want to lose someone else, someone else that mattered. 

i don't miss my mom. i hate to say that but, it's true. my life is happier without her. i wish she didn't give up. i don't want to turn into her. i don't want to give up or fail. 

zach. there is so much that i am thinking about him at this point. i know i love him, i know that we love eachother. but, i think that we are in different places in our lives which is interfearing with our relationship. i'm scared to lose him. i'm scared he doesn't care as much as me. mayb it's stupid of me to say it but, i would do anything for him. i would move when i'm older, i'd take a year off from school, i'd get the fuck out of his life if he wanted me to. i just want him to be happy, that is the only thing i want. that, in the end, will make me happy. i just wish he knew what he wanted to do so that i know where this is going. i know the whole "if there's a will, there's a way." well, i have the will but i don't know if he does. if he doesn't, we have no way. like some guy in that stupid movie "breakfast at tiffany's" said "the dirtiest word of all dirty words; promises." promises are made to be kept but they are overestimated. you should only make a promise you can keep, not about life or relationships, something that you can do yourself. it's hard to promise another person something because things change and too easily. life isn't easy, but i sure as hell wish it was sometimes. i hope this whole thing turns out for the best in the end.